Now hiring: Digital voyeurs with flexible morals and a sense of adventure!
Psst! Hey you! Yeah, you! Lurking in the bushes with a camera! Sitting on the park bench with a cocked ear! Riding the subway with an eye on your fellow passengers' phone screens!
Are you tired of struggling to catch a glimpse of other people’s intimate moments? Need something to fill that gaping pit of loneliness and despair you call a "life?" Well, you’re in luck! Because we’ve got the perfect job for you!
Leading digital assistant developers are looking for morally flexible go-getters just like you to spy on their users! Yes, it’s true. You really can get paid to do what you love!
And before you ask, the answer is "no" -- this is not a scam. Nor is it a police sting operation (go ahead, ask me if I’m a cop). Rather, it’s a genuine, part-time, limited duration, non-career opportunity to make some cold, hard cash for simply being the "Nosey Natty" you’ve always been!
Of course, here’s the part where we’d normally address the ethical ramifications of eavesdropping on users when they’re interacting -- knowingly or unknowingly -- with one of these digital assistants. But who are we kidding? We’re well past that! In fact, that’s the main reason why we troll for pre-qualified candidates like yourself in public parks and highway rest stop bathrooms!
No need to sweat the morality stuff, pal -- we know you’re a perv, and we love you for it!
Now, for the nitty gritty: This will be a contractual position, possibly in a third world country, and will require you to listen to many hours of audio recordings of people interacting with their digital assistant-equipped devices. These recordings may include both accidental and deliberate interactions with the assistant. They may also contain audio content of a highly personal and private nature, including doctor-patient conversations, bathroom noises, animal noises, noises of an "intimate origin" -- and, in rare cases, recordings that involve all of these (and more).
Your job will be to listen to these recordings to determine if they were in fact made accidentally -- for example, the sound of someone unzipping a dress causing Apple’s Siri to start listening for input -- and if the digital assistant responded to the "query" in a helpful and appropriate manner. But best of all, you won’t be required to take any action in response anything you might hear in these recordings. So, no matter how violent a situation may sound (or how many times an innocent person in distress cries out "please, God, somebody help me!"), you don’t have to lift a finger!
In other words, it’s just like what you’re doing now -- observing, imagining, never acting -- only you’re getting paid to do it! And since the review process is done remotely (you’re a contractor, after all, so it’s not like we’re going to spring for an actual office or cubicle -- or even a traceable company address), you can still wear your trench coat. Only this time, it’s to "work!" How cool is that?
Interested? Then here’s the next step: There isn’t one! Because we already know who you are (it’s kind of our thing) and how to find you! So, if we’re interested, we’ll come "a-knocking" -- or more likely, "a-tapping." With our foot. In the bathroom stall to your left.
Photo credit: Felix Mizioznikov / Shutterstock