'M-m-m-my Corona!' [Humor]

Virus face mask

The Coronavirus is everywhere! It’s in the air! It’s in elevators! It’s even crawling its way up through your toilet!

There’s no question, this is a major public health crisis, one that requires drastic containment measures. Which is why I am hereby formally declaring war on all things Corona! Anything and everything even tangentially associated with the virus or its name (including its official designation, COVID-19) MUST BE DESTROYED!

That includes products and services within the tech industry. For example, did you know that there’s Corona in your laser printer or photocopier? That’s right, every one of these devices includes a corona wire as part of its OPC drum assembly.

In other words, every single page you copy or print has been EXPOSED TO CORONA! Makes that time you snickered at your tree-hugger colleague for advocating an eco-friendly, paperless office, seem downright sinister!

I can hear the echoes from corporate boardrooms across the globe: "Call the lawyers! We’re suing HP, Canon and Xerox INTO THE GROUND over this!"

And be careful when you touch that cable between the printer and your PC! It might have been manufactured by Covid, Inc., a company that has been cranking out audio/visual and other electronics cabling products for over 35 years.

Yes, it’s true: This company has been shamelessly SPREADING COVID all over the place for more than THREE DECADES! If that doesn’t count as a "crime against humanity," I don’t know what does!

But it gets worse! The trusty typewriter Grandma used to write her first steamy "romance" novel? You know, the one with the ripped-abs toy boy and demure, scantily clad damsel on the cover?

You guessed it: A Smith-Corona!

It seems that even 'ole granny (may she rest in peace) shares some responsibility for this mess. Might be time to update that headstone: "Loving wife, mother and sister…and MASS MURDERER!"

Now, to be fair, some purveyors of Corona-related products deserve to be cut some slack. After all, a good portion of the human population owe their existence to the bad judgment and poor impulse control that results from imbibing one too many Corona Extras.

But even if you don’t count yourself among the byproducts of youthful indiscretion, it is still incumbent on you to do your part in helping stem this budding pandemic. So, in addition to avoiding overconsumption of icy cold Coronas, you should also shun things that remind you of the words "Corona" or "Covid," lest you unconsciously become attracted to one of the aforementioned sources of contagion. This includes steering clear of flocks of shiny black birds (many are Corvids -- and their flocks are called Murders -- very suspicious) and deleting that copy of "My Sharona" from your music library (and maybe we’ll quarantine "The Knack" for good measure).

There’s no doubt about it: We’re in uncharted territory with Coronavirus. But I’m confident that, through communication and cooperation -- as well as the judicious application of fire and blunt force trauma - we can weather this storm together.

And as for you, my "Sharona", that tank top still gives me goosebumps!

Image credit: loriklaszlo/depositphotos.com

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